If You Really Knew Me, You Would Hate Me.

“If you really knew me, you would hate me.”

I didn’t believe that statement about myself for a really long time. People usually like me. I definitely annoy some people (BTW, I’m not asking for people who know me to give examples of ways I’m unlikable), but usually I like people, and they like me.

I’m one of those seemingly “happy people.” I am outgoing and nice.  All that said, when Paul labels himself as the “worst of sinners” (1 Tim 1:15), I didn’t feel on par with him. When people would say things like, “you wouldn’t like the real me,”  I didn’t relate. I really wasn’t harboring any hatred or murderous thoughts. I wasn’t stealing or running a drug business on the side. I wasn’t even all that jealous of what you had.  I did get that I was a sinner and needed a savior but I didn’t really believe I was capable of EVERY sin.  But that was then. This is now. I’ve lived longer. I’ve been tempted in more ways. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been the target for someone else’s arrows and I have sent my own arrows flying.

Suffering is a good teacher, but it also releases what is really inside you.  I have learned so much through the suffering I have experienced in my life. I can relate to so many more people because of it. I can also recognize there are many dark places in me. I really didn’t think I was capable of every sin, but I now see that I am. This realization has the potential to really knock me down and make me depressed - but it gives me freedom.

If I believe I can save myself by being good, I’m missing out on the freedom that Christ brings.  I know I can’t save myself. I know I need Christ to give me that “ticket” into heaven, but I often think I can control myself. I can’t even do that.  I need the power of Christ to do the simplest things.  I need Christ to save me from greed, envy, lust, sloth, wrath, pride, gluttony, and even the desire to murder.

If you knew the darkest parts of me, you would hate me. I am capable of every sin.

Here is the scary part: so are you. You too, are capable of every sin.

If we were put into the perfectly right circumstances (or perfectly wrong), we could do things we do not believe we are capable of.  We, like Paul, are capable of being the “worst of sinners”.

There are two really cool things about realizing what a wretch I am. First, it gives me more of an understanding of what Jesus really did for me. He didn’t just die for a likable girl who sometimes sins a little bit. He died for me, the worst of sinners. Second, if I am such a degenerate, it should be easier for me to forgive those who sin against me. I know how bad I am, so when others turn out to be bad too, it shouldn’t surprise me.  If a perfect Jesus can forgive my sinful heart, then in my imperfectness, I should be able to forgive others their sins against me.

If you really knew me, you would hate me. I am thankful that you can get to know the Christ in me instead.